Pekes 'N Valleys

2003-08-28T17:10:00.000-07:00

I Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me. This would be the first commandment in Christopher Hitchens' personal list of ten. His disdain for Judaeo-Christian tenets are revealed in a recent column brought to us by the confused people at Slate.

"Create them sick, and then command them to be well? What a mad despot this is, and how fortunate we are that he (God) exists only in the minds of his worshippers."

Basically Mr. Hitchens takes God to task for sins of precision and omission. He laments the lack of a lawyer's pen and a seer's vision in the creation of the 10 Commandments. Mr. Hitchens, in his hatred for religion ("the true problem is our failure to recognize that religion is not just incongruent with morality but in essential ways incompatible with it"), completely disregards the Spirit of The Law. A Spirit that imprints on the heart, not in stone.

God's love does not demand perfection or reciprocity. Christopher Hitchens demands the former but benefits from the latter.

2003-08-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

One Step Forward and 25 Years Back. I awoke recently to power interruptions in the northeast and gas lines in the southwest. Memories of eating poor man's fondue (Cheese Whiz and Wonder Bread) by sterno light and restraining my brother from extending the blackout to a gas station operator ($5.00/gallon was double our combined hourly pay rate) came rushing back. Can disco be far behind?

I suspect that it is time to untie the Not In My Back Yard attitudes of most Americans, myself included. In our underground utility community cubicle, a gnawing concern of mine is how to block the view of a distant high-voltage transmission line. Like Toto, I know there is a man behind the curtain. However, unlike Toto, I just don't want him to be seen.

Maybe it is time to begin the IMBY movement? Put your backup transmission lines, your windmills, your photovoltaic cell panels and your hydrogenerators in my backyard. I have the Home Owners Association approval papers here somewhere. Just leave a little pee patch for the pups and, oh, don't tell the wife.

2003-08-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

Enough Already! Am I the only one that has had enough of fact-based movies that have the death of an innocent as its centerpiece? I refuse to watch one more film about The Holocaust, about a Kennedy assassination, about the physical death of Christ. (My wife still can't believe I sat through Scorsese's version up until The Last Temptation.) Now comes The Passion, the "truth" about the last 12 days of Christ's life, directed and largely financed by Mel Gibson.

Couldn't Mr. Gibson find something more life affirming to do with his $25 million than to portray Christianity as a religion that exults death and to reinvigorate worldwide anti-Semitism? Who is going to want to see this movie with its graphic depiction of Christ's agony and its Aramaic and Latin dialog? Wouldn't a movie about the previous 12,000 days of Christ's life be more uplifting and unifying?

Frank Rich of The New York Times writes that Mel Gibson suffers from a martyrdom complex. Maybe he is willing to throw money away for his "art". (If the movie brings in more than $10 million worldwide I will be shocked.) I have to believe, however, that the debate surrounding the docudrama's ongoing "rough cut" previews is actually Mr. Gibson's aim. The film is merely a battle in his private war against The Vatican. Unfortunately the collateral damage of this battle could set the stage for the deaths of even more innocents, deaths that I will have no choice but to watch.

2003-08-08T12:21:00.000-07:00

Glasses Off! I convinced my wife to take me to Spy Kids 3D recently. We had not seen either of the previous two editions but I wanted to see what great new things the techies had put together for 3D. Unfortunately, I was unaware that 3D is short for 3Disappointment. Not once did either of us have the impulse to duck out of the way of a phantom object hurling our way, or feel the compulsion to reach out and touch a film specter floating near us. Neither did anyone sitting near us. Clearly the 3D techies are way past retirement age. Give them their Gold Glasses and send them straight to the retirement home.

The Story? Was there a story? Oh ya..."We are all family". Funny but I don't seem to recall many non-caucasians (or puppies) in the "family". On the other hand, unlike a Disney film, the mother was actually alive at the end of the movie.

2003-08-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

Bob Hope. Slate's Christopher Hitchens has written a scathing article on the Hopelessness of the man. Mr. Hitchens thesis is plainly stated in the final sentence of his politically motivated diatribe: "Hope was a fool, and nearly a clown, but he was never even remotely a comedian."

Bob Hope was a personality who used comedy as his primary voice. Was he the funniest comedian of his time? Not even close as Jack Benny, George Burns, The Marx Brothers, Abbott and Costello all were his better. The greatest belly laughs for me came from Buddy Hacket (at his raunchiest), Bob Newhart, and Bill Cosby. He was more humorous than Jerry Lewis in my opinion, but then again so was Dean Martin. Current comics such as Robyn Williams, Billy Cyrstal, Ellen DeGeneris and Dennis Miller also generate more laughs per joke.

Nevertheless, I found Bob Hope extremely funny and I mourned after he retired from hosting the Academy Awards. For me his genius was not in the joke (which he rarely wrote) but in the delivery. His self-effacing, reactive spontaneity was hilarious with his well-crafted adlibbing the icing on the cake.

By far, the most shameful (and motive-revealing) portion of Mr. Hitchen's screed was the degradation of Mr. Hope's USO tours. He writes: "Nobody had the bad taste to recall the moment at which Hope was openly booed by the grunts in Vietnam: He was to the comedy of the war what Nixon was to its negotiation and what Billy Graham was to its husky religiosity." "Comedy of the war"? Does Mr. Hitchens really find humor in any aspect of war, any war? All Bob Hope was trying to do, the best way he knew, was relieve some of the pain and let the soldiers know "what they were fighting for".

To paraphrase Cheech and Chong: Someone needs to take Blind Mellon Hitchens and "whack his peepee". "Bob's not here", but our memories of him thankfully are.

Please review SteynOnline for a much more balanced commentary.

2003-08-01T11:11:00.000-07:00

Do good fences make good neighbors and, if so, what will they bring to the next (cinder) block party? How's that for an imitation of HBO's Carrie Bradshaw (aka Sarah Jessica Parker)?

The other morning while reorganizing the garage (see previous entry), I heard the click-click-click of a car starter. Having spent several miserable winters in the northeast, the cause of the noise was unmistakable...a dead battery.

If our neighbors weren't home while our moving van was blocking their driveways a year ago, we have never met. Consequently, although I did meet her husband on move-in day, the dead battery victim remained a stranger to me...and I to her.

What was I to do, go over and acknowledge her situation or wait to be approached? I didn't have jumper cables, but I did have a car. Most of those whose opinions I respect (especially little sister) would have offered assistance, but some wouldn't. Did it matter that I was a 50+ male, raised in an age of white knights and distressed damsels but now living in the land of "who ask you to"? Should the belief that Arizona is the witness protection capital of the country factor in? Was our neighbor and her children in danger or simply inconvenienced? (What me overthink?)

In business school we learned that taking no action was just as valid an option as making the investment. I and the neighbor-in-distress chose not to include me in the solution. She called for assistance from an employed friend and resumed her traditional day an hour later. (I know it was a friend and not AAA because of the dirty looks sent my way as he arrived.)

Some fences are less tangible than those made of wood in the northeast or cinder block in the southwest. Some can not, in any manner, be judged as "good". Others, however, are appropriate and necessary but also scalable for neighbors in harm's way.

2003-07-31T17:29:00.000-07:00

Two Car Garage? Having bought a second car last weekend, much of the last several days was spent trying to return a two-car garage to its original state. Thank goodness we moved in only a year ago. Any longer and the walls, which had steadily grown to the thickness of Woody Allen's glasses, would have precluded even one car from calling the garage home. Why did it take more than a few hours? A number of rationalizations come to mind. The real reason, however, is rather than take the wife's advice, which would have involved a complete reorganization of the room, I had a better (read lazier) idea. And it worked too. Both cars fit. The problem...to get out of the cars, we needed to open a door. I didn't factor that in. My next effort was slightly more successful. The dainty one had little trouble. I on the other hand, because of my large bones (especially the ones in my stomach), was reaching for the grease gun. Now I'm sitting here waiting for my little bread winner to return home. If it doesn't fit tonight...we'll just have to move!

2003-07-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

Battle at the Bridges. In spite of an imaginative Matrix-like opening, only the audience was more bored than Tiger with this edition of Monday Night Golf. If ABC can not capture the attention of "the franchise player" how can it retain a viewing audience? Here are a few suggestions:

1) Have Tiger compete against Swedish blonde beauties (No, not Annika Sorenstam). They seem to earn his interest.
2) Make the event a "major" since those are the only golf events in which Tiger really has an interest.
3) Since Caddyshack is Tiger's favorite movie, team him with the gopher against Bill Murray and Chevy Chase. (The gopher may have a scheduling problem. Bill and Chevy are available.)
4) Put Tiger's microphone on "Frank", his driver cover. (Unlike Tiger, Frank actually enjoys golf and has a sense of humor.)
5) Have the loser take a tour of duty in Iraq on security patrols. (Tiger may find that he prefers a 5 iron to an M16.)
6) Have Tiger play blindfolded. (At least he could avoid Sergio's antics.)
7) Invite whole dogs, not just their legs to the tournament and start calling the tall grass "meow" instead of "ruff". (These were Boo Boo's suggestions...He also wanted the ball washers to be changed to cat's rear ends but we won't go there.)

2003-07-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

Tour de Lance. Maybe a name change (to Legstrong, Spiritstrong or even Buttcallousstrong) would be in order since his arms played only a supporting role in this record-tieing 5th straight victory. After Jan Ullrich (Salieri to Armstrong's Mozart) literally took a bow in Saturday's time trial, it was all over but the champaign drinking. Only Tiger Woods can be considered anywhere near the stature of Lance Armstrong. Fortunately Tiger earns most of his victories in the United States over a longer season and therefore finds the spotlight much more often. Maybe we could start a Tour de Lance to be held in America.

(Dennis Miller on The Tonight Show: "Only in France would the winner of an event be rewarded a yellow jacket.")

2003-07-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

SEE BISCUIT. Gary Ross, writer/director of Pleasantville and writer of Big has entered his horse (Seabiscuit) in the 2004 Oscar stakes. Taking the reins as director and screenwriter, Mr. Ross and his team have produced a wonderful movie, reminiscent of classics from the 40s and 50s. The acting, from Jeff Bridges to Gary Stevens (the well-known jockey), was outstanding. Look for Oscar nods for Bridges, Tobey Maguire, Chris Cooper and possibly William H. Macy. John Schwartzman (Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, The Rock) and Jeannine Claudia Oppewall (Catch Me If You Can, L.A. Confidential) will certainly be honored with nominations for cinematography and production design, respectively. The most pleasant surprise for me, however, was Randy Newman's musical score. One complaint, no credit given to the stars of the show, the horses that portrayed Seabiscuit and his competitors. (Bearbiscuit would also have liked to see a little more of the Seabiscuit's canine stablemate.) Gallop out to see this movie, NEIGHbor. For background, Gaby Wenig's article in the Weekly Standard is an excellent place to start.

2003-07-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

"Where The Boys Are." Columnist Suzanne Ontiveros of the Chicago Sun-Times advocates the viewing of this 1960 film by today's young women. Her theme: "The message to beware of hotel rooms with males we don't really know is just one we heard not only from our parents, but one reinforced in movies and other media back then." Of course if our society were to adhere to the media "back then", married couples also would be forced to sleep in separate beds (e.g. The Dick Van Dyke Show and I Love Lucy).

Let's assume for a minute, however, that the person Yvette Mimieux's character (Melanie) interacts with is a clean cut, all-American basketball star (instead of a frat boy) who also happens to be married with a six-month old daughter. Further, let's assume that our heroine goes to his hotel room seeking an autograph (that he offerred to provide at their initial encounter) after her shift is over. (I know Melanie was on Spring Break but we are hypothesizing here.) Would Melanie's claim of rape be perceived any differently? Believed any more? Would it matter if Melanie had experienced significant emotional distress in the months just prior to the attack? Finally, using the vernacular of 1960, what if the accused rapist was a negro?

Maybe if the film was renamed "Where The Brains Are", it might be more appropriate for young women and the young men who lust after them. Many if not most women (probably men also) would query "Why would she go to his hotel room?". Hopefully in today's more "enlightened" era, this question might also posed: "Why did he open the door?"

2003-07-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

Monsoon? That's what they call it. Don't ask me why. A prolonged period of triple-digit temperatures energized by almost continuous flashes of zillion-degree bolts of lightning (who said God doesn't have a sense of humor) is not the definition of a monsoon in my dictionary. I guess in the desert southwest, a few minutes of rain is equivalent to months of moisture in eastern Asia. All I know is that it is a chance to spend quality time with the pups. Unfortunately, since it is in the wee hours of the morning, the quality of the time is not all that great. (Did I really say they live on our timetable?)

It commences with the patriarch of the group, Bear, waking me from a semi-sound sleep well before the light and sound show starts in earnest. He indicates to me that his whinning and panting is just to alert me to the other pups growing nervousness. Upon (squinty-eyed) inspection, I notice Bear running around arousing the remaining pups and alerting them to my nervousness.

Once I enter their sleeping quarters (aka the kitchen) the petting frenzy begins. On one side are the ladies (Sugar and Polly) playing leap-frog, with my arm the prize. On the other is Bear, now an appendage of my body. Boo Boo has fallen back to sleep a few feet away.

The "storm's" end finds Sugar in her secret place (psst, behind the speaker...shhh) and Boo Boo still where he flopped 20 minutes earlier. I give Polly one last pet (anyone know of a 24 hour petting machine), carefully dislodge a shell-shocked Bear from my side and tiptoe back to my secret place, along side the most wonderful woman in the world.

Dad, in his very finite wisdom, chided that animals only react to the fears of the people in their lives. Bear would undoubtedly agree. I guess I'll have to try to sleep less fearfully in the future.

2003-07-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

The Great Campaigner has done it again. Slow Wit (aka Chris Matthews of MSNBC) and the 9 dwarfs had their (stubby) legs cut out beneath them (re the infamous "16 words") once again by President Clinton on Larry King's show 7/22/03. Just goes to show you that it is never too late to start acting presidential.

2003-07-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

Welcome Home Jessica! Who says the U.S. military won't come to the aid of a Palestinian? Lots of misinformation and hype but its a great day for the people of West Virginia nonetheless. A bittersweet day, however, for the loved ones of Lori Piestawa (Pvt. Lynch's fellow soldier and friend) and those of the 200+ others that have sacrificed to take the fight from our shores.

2003-07-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

Time of Death 9:55am MST. Does your family compete to see who gets stuck with the last drop of toothpaste? (Its a derivation of the toilet paper / paper towel game.) Well I'm calling it. She wins....again. How does she do it? I suspect she is opening the new box (from the bottom), using the new tube, and then placing the tube back in the box.

The pups think the whole process is insane. They still have most of their teeth (just ask my wife) without brushing once. Of course Rasinettes and Goobers are not part of their diet either.

2003-07-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to our Harry and Hermione. Jordan and Ryan, your Uncle Snape just finished reading the latest J.K. Rowling contribution. (Truth be told, I had to go back and finish the previous edition as well.) Despite numerous criticisms (derivative, two dimensional, etc.) of her writing, I think it is wonderful. In fact, I think our nation should award her with the Presidental Medal of Freedom (the highest civilian honor) for her contribution to literacy. Not since the invention of the comic book has so much been done to introduce the muggle community to reading.

An important thing to take away from The Order of the Phoenix, it was not Harry's wand that thwarted "he-who-must-not-be-named" but his heart. That is where the real magic is and every muggle has one.

2003-07-21T09:16:00.000-07:00

How about Ben Curtis! No not the Dell dude, the 2003 British Open Champion. Despite going from 5 under par to 1 under on the last few holes, all he could do was hope that his competitors caught a touch of Van de Velde-itis. And Woods, Singh, Love and Bjorn caught a nasty case. (The French obviously aren't the only people that know how to surrender.) To paraphrase Winston Churchill, never have so many done so little for some one. Ivan Maisel of ESPN.com has a terrific article on the subject. The jewel of the column:

"(Thomas) Bjorn lost this Open Championship in the deep bunkers of Royal St. George's, where he gave the worst performance on sand since 'Spring Break: The Real Cancun'."

Was Curtis Strange, ABC's on-air analyst and Ryder Cup ne'er-do-well, trying to "out" Mr. Bjorn by revealing to his television audience that he (Bjorn) was a "man's man".

Of course the pups were pulling for Thomas Bjorn. After all, he is a Great Dane.

2003-07-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

Were you able to attend Kobe and Vanessa's vow renewal? I especially liked his I'm not a monster speech: "I'm a man just like everybody else, I mourn, I cry just like everybody else." And hey weren't the lawyers clever to use the "alleged" victim's shredded reputation to shower on the couple instead of those annoying bubbles. I thought I also saw a piece of Kobe's Nike contract in the debris. Thoughtful article by Tony Kornheiser in today's Washington Post is well worth the read.

2003-07-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

Nicholas Kristof has an interesting article in today's New York Times. It made me revisit my thoughts on the role of the federal government in our society. I'm afraid that our founding fathers and the governors of our original 13 states would be taken aback by the intrusiveness of the folks in Washington D.C. The pups and the two legged creatures of our household have an (obviously) unstated agreement . Those of us with opposable thumbs will keep the coyotes, hawks, heat, thirst and hunger at bay; The remainder will accept that they live on a timetable, not their own. Are the citizens of Yamhill Oregon asking for a similar agreement with the Bush administration? Since most of the human denizens of this community also have opposable thumbs, I suspect not. Well maybe just a little help with the coyotes and hawks.

2003-07-18T14:03:00.000-07:00

Did I ever tell you how much I like living in the southwest? Having been born just beyond the nose hairs of Mount Rushmore and living in the Naugatuck Valley of Connecticut for one day less than forever, what a change. The sun, the people, the sun, the streets and highways, the sun, the natural beauty and the sun are awe inspiring. But the greatest benefit...the time zone. By the time we get up the stock market is open, the cable news channels have agreed on what topic to run into the ground and Katie Couric earned another $37,000. It like having a great breakfast prepared and waiting for you.

Of course the Pups have a slightly different take. They live on sun time and want their long day of napping (interrupted occasionally by periods of eating, petting and eliminating) to begin promptly at dawn. Their idea of exercise is moving to a cooler spot on the floor or looking up when the refrigerator door is opened. Nope, no treadmills and spinning for them. Well maybe just a little spinning.

2003-07-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Pekes 'N Valleys. Hopefully the pekes and I can provide some sunshine to your day. (Lord knows we have plenty to share!) Please think of this blog as The Bleat without the meat; an (intellectually) poor man's Andrew Sullivan ; more Instanumbnut than Instapundit. But I have been told that I have a sense of humor (although nothing compared to my wife's ... thank God) and I have always wanted to write something other than checks. So, welcome from the pekes (AKA Bear, Boo Boo, Sugar, and Polly) and me. The tower has given us clearance and we are ready to depart.